lovelylittleshit

2017

Jan
18

i have the luxury of working somewhere that gives me a paid vacation from before christmas to after the new year. every year i make grand plans of knocking out projects around the house. the first year we lived here my grand plan was to refinish the hardwoods. seven years later, those floors haven’t been touched & i’ve realized since that i don’t want to diy that task anyway. this year i thought i’d at least finish the projects that i’d already started (bedroom doors, closet & hallway) but then ryan was able to take off the entire break with me & working on the house was the furthest thing from my mind. instead, we decided to throw caution to the wind & leave town for a few days. we put kansas city in our gps, left our dogs in the care of my sister & spent 3 days exploring somewhere new & dreaming of our future. by the way, we really enjoyed kc. it’s definitely somewhere that i’d enjoy going back to but the 4-5 hour drive almost killed us. it was the slowest drive of our lives. kansas, you suck. anyway, between the holidays, family, some needed one-on-one with ryan, mini-vacations & sickness, the house was left abandoned. the break was good though & even now, i’m not too worried about working on it. i’ll get to it eventually but right now our schedules have been so busy (busy = overwhelmed which to me is having 2 or more things taking up my evenings each week) that i just can’t spend my free time on the house. with that said, i made myself a house related new years resolution, something that i never do because who likes to set themselves up for failure?

when we were in kansas city, we stumbled upon a coffee shop, blip, in an old warehouse. upon entering, we were welcomed by a family-owned business with the cutest little pit bull pup running around. we lovingly referred to it as “if weldon jack sold coffee”. it was coffee, family, friends, motorcycles & pit bulls. i mean really, does it get better? the barista was very friendly & immediately reminded us of our old friend dave, who lived with us briefly way back when. he asked us where we were from & then responded to our answer with “how is it there?”. ryan & i both looked at each other & got a little awkward with how to answer. it was such a simple question but the answer is difficult. we fumbled around with some answers about how the city is trying but it still has a long way to go to be & feel like kc did. in other words, he wanted to know why we loved it (assuming we do since we live there) & we gave him a general answer that had nothing to do with us. what he said next has stuck with me & bothered me since. he asked, “so what keeps you there?”. it took me aback. i couldn’t believe that this stranger had seen my unhappiness in such a short conversation & i felt insecure immediately. i also felt dumb because some stranger in a coffee shop just called out our bullshit.

don’t get me wrong, i’m not saying that oklahoma city is a bad place to live. it’s not. it’s our home, it’s where we were raised, it’s where our families live & i’m sure that that will always mean something special to us but oklahoma city is not where we fit anymore. we outgrew this place & we knew it a long time ago.

for the last several years we’ve had the same conversation about what we want for our future. when we can, we want to sell our house, move to an apartment while we save money & decide where we want to move. this is still what we want. we both dream of a new life, a simpler one, out of our comfort zone & in a new landscape. this year, i want to work towards that dream. we always say we are. we always tell each other that this is the year we buckle down, get out of debt & save the money we need to fix the house. we speak, we listen, we go on about our lives. i don’t want to do that anymore. this year i decided that i want to do my part & work towards getting our house in order to sell it, as much as i can. there are a lot of issues, some of which will require greater amounts of money that we don’t have right now but in the meantime, i want to put the right work in to the house that will get us closer to our goal.

nobody should live life doing things that don’t bring them joy & fulfillment so thank you to the barista that called out my shit & got me on the right track.

westport flea, kansas city, mo, december 29, 2016

 

 

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