2019

2017 & 2018 weren’t my best years. in fact, i’d say that the last two years were probably the worst years i’ve had overall since i was a pre-teen with suicidal ideations. i was more ready to see 2018 go than i have been for any other year. i know that the year changing doesn’t actually CHANGE anything but i needed that year to change in order to feel like i could catch my breath. i needed that bar with too much to drink with my favorite people donning “happy new years” head wear. i needed those strangers around me singing garth brooks with champagne glasses raised. i needed to know that when i woke up the next day, that i sent off those shitty years with a bang. and i did.

i feel bad. about myself. about my home. about my life. about the fact that i didn’t smoke for 12 whole days; and then i did. i don’t want to feel those things. so 2019, let’s make you the year that i actually make real goals in hopes that i can make progress on my life. let’s take baby steps together towards a healthier and happier me before i die. okay?

ryan & i* decided that the best course of action was to finish everything that’s still undone around the house before we do anything else. *that’s a lie. i did nothing. ryan suggested that this would probably help me and he’s right. this is the logical plan. this is what i’ve always told myself to do. this is obviously not how i actually end up operating. so then i end up where i am now; overwhelmed.

with that in mind, i’m going to start by giving myself 10 very specific tasks to focus on and complete this year that have all been lingering for some time. i’m not allowed to start anything new until i finish these.

  1. paint your living room ceiling. yes, i have left my living room ceiling half painted for…. 3 years?

  2. repaint the bathroom because sometimes, you don’t get it right the first time. or second. or third. this isn’t technically a project that’s “undone” but the bathroom was a project i was focused on in 2016 & it has not felt finished since because the paint is wrong. course correction is part of any design plan.

  3. pay a plumber to plumb the new bathroom sink because as much as you think you can do everything, you can’t. and you’re not a plumber. and your plumbing isn’t standard so wtf are you supposed to do? ask for help.

  4. install the closet & hallway lights you’ve owned for 2 years. quit letting ryan pick out his clothes by flashlight.

  5. finish the hallway. paint the walls the same color you paint the bathroom. & repaint all of the woodwork.

  6. install the last two kitchen cabinet doors from the kitchen revamp.

  7. take all your purged items to donate. quit letting it pile up. it’s killing you slowly.

  8. install the new hardware for the hallway cabinets. you’ve never even opened the box!

  9. clean out the gutters & finish installing the gutter guards.

  10. work on your goddamn windows. you love your windows so act like it. start by finishing the paint on the ones you already started (living room corner, bathroom and bedroom).

it was really hard for me to not add things that haven’t been started yet. like painting the bedroom black. or hanging shelves in the kitchen. or building cabinets around the laundry. or finally ripping down the falling plaster in the dogs room. or renovating all of the windows. but i can’t. i need to focus on seriously cleaning the house first & then finishing up these tasks.

i know that my brain will feel better if i do. someone just needs to remind me constantly. please.

here’s to 2019 being the year i actually start acting like the 30 year old i will be.

black bedroom, yay or nay?

it’s no surprise that i’m drawn to all things black. my wardrobe is black. my kitchen is black. my doors are black. most home accessories i choose are black. it is what it is. i have no shame in my black game.

on that note, i’m thinking of painting our bedroom black. i really considered painting our tiny bathroom black two years ago but decided to hold off (still uncertain i made the right decision on that. i’m thinking of repainting that room too). i’ve briefly thought of painting the bedroom black on many occasions but usually write it off because i’m paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong decision. it’s just paint though, right? i also just realized that i never followed up on the bedroom after all the work i put into it in 2016. it looks quite different then it did the last time i showed you. for one, we have a real bed like real adults. and curtains!

do y’all know shavonda? because she is my favorite thing to have ever happened to instagram. she is a beautiful & hilarious human. ryan, blame her for my inspiration to paint the bedroom again. her living room is flat black & it gives me all of the feels. i heard a designer say once that if you’re room gets a lot of natural light, you can get away with any color on the walls. well, our tiny little bedroom has 4 good sized windows so i think that means that i have no rules. now i have to decide where to start & stop with the paint. i’m loving the floor to ceiling, trim to windows, all black look.

via tumblr

what do y’all think? would you do it? would you dare to paint the entire room black or just the walls?

reflecting

hmm. i've been silent here for a while. life has been hard for the last 16 months. my depression has ramped up the last several weeks... but hey, my anxiety hasn't been constant soooo... win?

i didn't come here to complain though. i feel like all i do is complain. but the truth is, my life is pretty great. it's shit but it's great. it's exactly like our house. ha! while yes, it does feel like i've been swallowed by a black hole. & yes, i might cry when you ask me what i want to do because that question is so overwhelming that even when the options are, "do you want to go into old navy or keep driving around?"; it's just too much. true story. & yes, we did just have to shell out another mortgage payment worth of money to repair our HVAC (again).  & yes, my depression has completely taken every ounce of motivation out of my body so my house is just sitting with no progress.

BUT. i'm alive. & i love my husband so much more than i ever have. he's the best support that truly knows how to love & care for me. & dammit! we're in this shithole together! the last year has been so rough but something i've learned in this time is just how much better life can be when you quit trying to do it all yourself. ryan & i have always had a really good marriage. a surprisingly, shockingly good marriage. & somehow, in these last 16 months, where it's felt like so many things in our lives have completely gone to shit, we're closer now than we ever have been. some of that i think is because i finally understand what it means to share your life with someone. i have always been wildly independent. it's always been known that i require good periods of alone time & am pretty satisfied with just doing most things by myself (as long it doesn't require socializing). something shifted this year. when i was hospitalized last year, i learned something about myself. i am not as strong as i think i am. when ryan had to leave to tend to the dogs or our house, i would panic. i would put my head in a pillow & cry because i was terrified. as long as he was there, i was okay. & that feeling has remained with me. i keep harassing him that he's ruined me because i was never dependent on anyone before. but the truth is, i am so much happier when we're together. ryan showed a love & tenderness to me in my darkest time & for that, i learned to share my life better. so cheesy & dumb, but so true. 

anyway. enough of that sappy shit. my point is that i'm stuck right now. i'm stuck in my depression. i'm stuck with zero motivation. i'm stuck with 3 areas of my house in the middle stages of projects. it is what it is.

i have found such a deep deep passion for old homes & everything that goes along with it over the last couple of years but the problem is that my mental space gets in the way of using that passion for good. my day job takes all my mental energy & by the time i'm off work, it's hard for me to get up. i will get out of it. i will get unstuck. i will focus on the house again. it's just a matter of time.

there are so many things that i want to update on... like the fact that i singlehandedly built a double fence gate from scratch & it actually turned out... or the very first window that i reglazed... but for now; i'm around. i'm not dead. i'm just learning to live in a black hole.

 

living room: 2018 - i did it again

i can't leave shit alone. never have, most likely never will. sorry, husband. it's one of the few traits i got from my father, the man who perpetually redecorated our entire house without notice (like the one time my mom came home & he had ripped up the carpet, as well as ripped down the floor-to-ceiling paneling covering all four walls, in our family room). 

i switched the living room back. i came home one day & told ryan that i wanted to move it again & quite honestly, i don't even remember why. it was several months ago & i just now got around to taking a few photos when it was clean & particularly nice outside. i'm happy with it for now. i still hate walking in the house & seeing a huge tv first thing but i guess i can't eat my cake & have it too.

the couches are my nemeses. we were gifted the brown couch awhile ago & it does it's job. i typically don't mind it. it's at least neutral & clean-lined. the grey loveseat was given to us last month & i begrudgingly agreed because having one comfortable seating area with two big dogs who also want a seat didn't really work so well. it came home with us for free with four big-ass chunky block legs that i took off. it helped. unfortunately, the leg removal did not change the shape of the back cushions. the dogs thoughts? they very quickly claimed it as their own & it makes my eyes burn a little bit less. every morning when we wake up, at least one of them is curled up on it. they're pretty cute i guess.

one day we'll have couches that we actually pick out & love. i'd also like to replace the lights in here. the recessed lighting needs an upgrade & the main light could just use some pretty. i've also decided to paint all of the window frames black, inside & out. that one i'm pretty excited about & a big plus: it's free because i already have everything i need! i may or may not have already started "operation: restore your windows" before i've finished the kitchen cabinets.....

 

sorry husband.