reflecting

hmm. i've been silent here for a while. life has been hard for the last 16 months. my depression has ramped up the last several weeks... but hey, my anxiety hasn't been constant soooo... win?

i didn't come here to complain though. i feel like all i do is complain. but the truth is, my life is pretty great. it's shit but it's great. it's exactly like our house. ha! while yes, it does feel like i've been swallowed by a black hole. & yes, i might cry when you ask me what i want to do because that question is so overwhelming that even when the options are, "do you want to go into old navy or keep driving around?"; it's just too much. true story. & yes, we did just have to shell out another mortgage payment worth of money to repair our HVAC (again).  & yes, my depression has completely taken every ounce of motivation out of my body so my house is just sitting with no progress.

BUT. i'm alive. & i love my husband so much more than i ever have. he's the best support that truly knows how to love & care for me. & dammit! we're in this shithole together! the last year has been so rough but something i've learned in this time is just how much better life can be when you quit trying to do it all yourself. ryan & i have always had a really good marriage. a surprisingly, shockingly good marriage. & somehow, in these last 16 months, where it's felt like so many things in our lives have completely gone to shit, we're closer now than we ever have been. some of that i think is because i finally understand what it means to share your life with someone. i have always been wildly independent. it's always been known that i require good periods of alone time & am pretty satisfied with just doing most things by myself (as long it doesn't require socializing). something shifted this year. when i was hospitalized last year, i learned something about myself. i am not as strong as i think i am. when ryan had to leave to tend to the dogs or our house, i would panic. i would put my head in a pillow & cry because i was terrified. as long as he was there, i was okay. & that feeling has remained with me. i keep harassing him that he's ruined me because i was never dependent on anyone before. but the truth is, i am so much happier when we're together. ryan showed a love & tenderness to me in my darkest time & for that, i learned to share my life better. so cheesy & dumb, but so true. 

anyway. enough of that sappy shit. my point is that i'm stuck right now. i'm stuck in my depression. i'm stuck with zero motivation. i'm stuck with 3 areas of my house in the middle stages of projects. it is what it is.

i have found such a deep deep passion for old homes & everything that goes along with it over the last couple of years but the problem is that my mental space gets in the way of using that passion for good. my day job takes all my mental energy & by the time i'm off work, it's hard for me to get up. i will get out of it. i will get unstuck. i will focus on the house again. it's just a matter of time.

there are so many things that i want to update on... like the fact that i singlehandedly built a double fence gate from scratch & it actually turned out... or the very first window that i reglazed... but for now; i'm around. i'm not dead. i'm just learning to live in a black hole.

 

2017

i have the luxury of working somewhere that gives me a paid vacation from before christmas to after the new year. every year i make grand plans of knocking out projects around the house. the first year we lived here my grand plan was to refinish the hardwoods. seven years later, those floors haven’t been touched & i’ve realized since that i don’t want to diy that task anyway. this year i thought i’d at least finish the projects that i’d already started (bedroom doors, closet & hallway) but then ryan was able to take off the entire break with me & working on the house was the furthest thing from my mind. instead, we decided to throw caution to the wind & leave town for a few days. we put kansas city in our gps, left our dogs in the care of my sister & spent 3 days exploring somewhere new & dreaming of our future.

we really enjoyed kc. it’s definitely somewhere that i’d enjoy going back to but the 4-5 hour drive almost killed us. it was the slowest drive of our lives. kansas, you suck. anyway, between the holidays, family, some needed one-on-one with ryan, mini-vacations & sickness, the house was left abandoned. the break was good though & even now, i’m not too worried about working on it. i’ll get to it eventually but right now our schedules have been so busy (busy = overwhelmed which to me is having 2 or more things taking up my evenings each week) that i just can’t spend my free time on the house. with that said, i made myself a house related new years resolution, something that i never do because who likes to set themselves up for failure? when we were in kansas city, we stumbled upon a coffee shop, blip, in an old warehouse. upon entering, we were welcomed by a family-owned business with the cutest little pit bull pup running around. we lovingly referred to it as “if weldon jack sold coffee”. it was coffee, family, friends, motorcycles & pit bulls. i mean really, does it get better? the barista was very friendly & immediately reminded us of our old friend dave, who lived with us briefly way back when. he asked us where we were from & then responded to our answer with “how is it there?”. ryan & i both looked at each other & got a little awkward with how to answer. it was such a simple question but the answer is difficult for us. we fumbled around with some answers about how the city is trying but it still has a long way to go to be & feel like kc did. in other words, he wanted to know why we loved it (assuming we do since we live there) & we gave him a general answer that had nothing to do with us. what he said next has stuck with me & bothered me since. he asked, “so what keeps you there?”. it took me aback. i couldn’t believe that this stranger had seen my unhappiness in such a short conversation & i felt insecure immediately. i also felt dumb because some stranger in a coffee shop just called out our bullshit.

don’t get me wrong, i’m not saying that oklahoma city is a bad place to live. it’s not. it’s our home, it’s where we were raised, it’s where our families live & i’m sure that that will always mean something special to us but oklahoma city is not where we fit anymore. we outgrew this place & we knew it a long time ago.

for the last several years we’ve had the same conversation about what we want for our future. when we can, we want to sell our house, move to an apartment while we save money & decide where we want to move. this is still what we want. we both dream of a new life, a simpler one, out of our comfort zone & in a new landscape. this year, i want to work towards that dream. we always say we are. we always tell each other that this is the year we buckle down, get out of debt & save the money we need to fix the house. we speak, we listen, we go on about our lives. i don’t want to do that anymore. this year i decided that i want to do my part & work towards getting our house in order to sell it, as much as i can. there are a lot of issues, some of which will require greater amounts of money that we don’t have right now but in the meantime, i want to put the right work in to the house that will get us closer to our goal.

nobody should live life doing things that don’t bring them joy & fulfillment so thank you to the barista that called out my shit & got me on the right track.

westport flea, kansas city, mo, december 29, 2016
westport flea, kansas city, mo, december 29, 2016

guilty conscience

i told myself when i started working on the house this time around that i would take it one project at a time. i told myself that i would knock out a room before i shifted gears to something else. i told myself that i'd feel better if i did it that way so that i wouldn't have a million half-finished projects everywhere. well. fuck that. the reason i haven't been back to this little space with an update is because i can't get myself to finish the bedroom doors. currently, they're propped up in the living room with only 1/4 sides scraped of paint. i really really want to have it done. i do. but i'm so tired of doing it & want to move on to something else but then my guilt takes over & i think of all of the other millions of tasks on my list & get completely overwhelmed so then i think about binge watching criminal minds while laying in bed & all my desires for productivity go straight out the window. speaking of windows. i also really want need to get our windows in shape before winter, now that it's not so hot outside. the reason why i haven't done it is totally valid in my mind but also embarrassing. i'm terrified of bugs & once you step outside the safety of my home right now, you're guaranteed to be swarmed with all kinds of things, some of which i don't even know what they are & they send me right back inside. we stopped having the house/yard sprayed last year & while it's been nice for our wallet, it's not so nice for me & my hate for creatures. i know, i know. i have to suck it up, be an adult & get the fuck over it. someone come help me? i mean, who doesn't enjoy scraping caulk from old windows? (i actually kind of find it enjoyable.)

the only thing that's been accomplished over the last couple of weeks is that we finally found a new lawn guy yesterday. it is a luxury that means a great deal to us. ryan started work part-time at a second job so that we can meet some financial goals a little faster (like being able to pay for the more expensive needs of this house) & the last thing i want is for him to spend his non-working hours doing yard work that he hates.

in non-house, more relaxing news, this second job also gave us the opportunity to fulfill some of ryan's dreams; a truck & boat. it's something that's been in our "5-year plan" for a long time so it's been really awesome to be able to do it several years earlier than expected. we had our maiden voyage last weekend & although we didn't catch any fish, spending the morning on the water, just the 2 of us, was something that i'll never forget & can't wait to do more of.

until next time, i'll be dreaming of the water & wishing it was the ocean.