reflecting

hmm. i've been silent here for a while. life has been hard for the last 16 months. my depression has ramped up the last several weeks... but hey, my anxiety hasn't been constant soooo... win?

i didn't come here to complain though. i feel like all i do is complain. but the truth is, my life is pretty great. it's shit but it's great. it's exactly like our house. ha! while yes, it does feel like i've been swallowed by a black hole. & yes, i might cry when you ask me what i want to do because that question is so overwhelming that even when the options are, "do you want to go into old navy or keep driving around?"; it's just too much. true story. & yes, we did just have to shell out another mortgage payment worth of money to repair our HVAC (again).  & yes, my depression has completely taken every ounce of motivation out of my body so my house is just sitting with no progress.

BUT. i'm alive. & i love my husband so much more than i ever have. he's the best support that truly knows how to love & care for me. & dammit! we're in this shithole together! the last year has been so rough but something i've learned in this time is just how much better life can be when you quit trying to do it all yourself. ryan & i have always had a really good marriage. a surprisingly, shockingly good marriage. & somehow, in these last 16 months, where it's felt like so many things in our lives have completely gone to shit, we're closer now than we ever have been. some of that i think is because i finally understand what it means to share your life with someone. i have always been wildly independent. it's always been known that i require good periods of alone time & am pretty satisfied with just doing most things by myself (as long it doesn't require socializing). something shifted this year. when i was hospitalized last year, i learned something about myself. i am not as strong as i think i am. when ryan had to leave to tend to the dogs or our house, i would panic. i would put my head in a pillow & cry because i was terrified. as long as he was there, i was okay. & that feeling has remained with me. i keep harassing him that he's ruined me because i was never dependent on anyone before. but the truth is, i am so much happier when we're together. ryan showed a love & tenderness to me in my darkest time & for that, i learned to share my life better. so cheesy & dumb, but so true. 

anyway. enough of that sappy shit. my point is that i'm stuck right now. i'm stuck in my depression. i'm stuck with zero motivation. i'm stuck with 3 areas of my house in the middle stages of projects. it is what it is.

i have found such a deep deep passion for old homes & everything that goes along with it over the last couple of years but the problem is that my mental space gets in the way of using that passion for good. my day job takes all my mental energy & by the time i'm off work, it's hard for me to get up. i will get out of it. i will get unstuck. i will focus on the house again. it's just a matter of time.

there are so many things that i want to update on... like the fact that i singlehandedly built a double fence gate from scratch & it actually turned out... or the very first window that i reglazed... but for now; i'm around. i'm not dead. i'm just learning to live in a black hole.