2019

2017 & 2018 weren’t my best years. in fact, i’d say that the last two years were probably the worst years i’ve had overall since i was a pre-teen with suicidal ideations. i was more ready to see 2018 go than i have been for any other year. i know that the year changing doesn’t actually CHANGE anything but i needed that year to change in order to feel like i could catch my breath. i needed that bar with too much to drink with my favorite people donning “happy new years” head wear. i needed those strangers around me singing garth brooks with champagne glasses raised. i needed to know that when i woke up the next day, that i sent off those shitty years with a bang. and i did.

i feel bad. about myself. about my home. about my life. about the fact that i didn’t smoke for 12 whole days; and then i did. i don’t want to feel those things. so 2019, let’s make you the year that i actually make real goals in hopes that i can make progress on my life. let’s take baby steps together towards a healthier and happier me before i die. okay?

ryan & i* decided that the best course of action was to finish everything that’s still undone around the house before we do anything else. *that’s a lie. i did nothing. ryan suggested that this would probably help me and he’s right. this is the logical plan. this is what i’ve always told myself to do. this is obviously not how i actually end up operating. so then i end up where i am now; overwhelmed.

with that in mind, i’m going to start by giving myself 10 very specific tasks to focus on and complete this year that have all been lingering for some time. i’m not allowed to start anything new until i finish these.

  1. paint your living room ceiling. yes, i have left my living room ceiling half painted for…. 3 years?

  2. repaint the bathroom because sometimes, you don’t get it right the first time. or second. or third. this isn’t technically a project that’s “undone” but the bathroom was a project i was focused on in 2016 & it has not felt finished since because the paint is wrong. course correction is part of any design plan.

  3. pay a plumber to plumb the new bathroom sink because as much as you think you can do everything, you can’t. and you’re not a plumber. and your plumbing isn’t standard so wtf are you supposed to do? ask for help.

  4. install the closet & hallway lights you’ve owned for 2 years. quit letting ryan pick out his clothes by flashlight.

  5. finish the hallway. paint the walls the same color you paint the bathroom. & repaint all of the woodwork.

  6. install the last two kitchen cabinet doors from the kitchen revamp.

  7. take all your purged items to donate. quit letting it pile up. it’s killing you slowly.

  8. install the new hardware for the hallway cabinets. you’ve never even opened the box!

  9. clean out the gutters & finish installing the gutter guards.

  10. work on your goddamn windows. you love your windows so act like it. start by finishing the paint on the ones you already started (living room corner, bathroom and bedroom).

it was really hard for me to not add things that haven’t been started yet. like painting the bedroom black. or hanging shelves in the kitchen. or building cabinets around the laundry. or finally ripping down the falling plaster in the dogs room. or renovating all of the windows. but i can’t. i need to focus on seriously cleaning the house first & then finishing up these tasks.

i know that my brain will feel better if i do. someone just needs to remind me constantly. please.

here’s to 2019 being the year i actually start acting like the 30 year old i will be.